i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
