the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
