The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
