I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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