My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
