Define "chronic" masturbator.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
