I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
