Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
