How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
