I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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