I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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