Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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