Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
