Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize