i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
