The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
