please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
