Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
