Screwed.edu
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
They should really pass out barf bags in church
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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