I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
50% drunk capacity currently
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm both gender and math confused
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
