She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
