I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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