so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
