Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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