Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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