I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize