hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
