When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
