I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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