Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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