I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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