"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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