I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
