I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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