New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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