I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
