She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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