Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
