erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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