Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
