Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Michael Bay diarrhea
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
