So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
