It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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