we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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