tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
