Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
