he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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