So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
me + whiskey = a bad person
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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