Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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