Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
