Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
