I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
