She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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