Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
