Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
