Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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