What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
