If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
my liver is dry heaving
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
