We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
